Understanding ADHD: 3 Defining Traits People Miss
Have you ever asked your child to put on their shoes, only to find them, ten minutes later, staring blankly at a single sock, completely derailed from the original mission? If your requests seem to vanish into a void, leaving you feeling more like a broken record than a parent, you’re not alone. For many families, these daily struggles are not a sign of defiance but a clue to a deeper neurological wiring. True understanding ADHD requires looking beyond the well-known symptoms of hyperactivity and inattention to uncover the less visible, yet profoundly impactful, traits that shape a child’s world and behaviour.
This missing piece of the puzzle is often the key to transforming frustration into connection. When we only see the surface behaviours, we risk misinterpreting our children's actions as intentional misbehaviour. But what if the child who won’t listen isn’t choosing to ignore you? What if the emotional outburst over a seemingly small disappointment is about something much deeper? By pulling back the curtain on these hidden drivers, we can begin to respond with more empathy and develop strategies that actually work, moving from constant correction to heartfelt connection.
Beyond the Obvious: The Hidden Drivers of Behaviour
Most people think of ADHD as a condition defined by fidgeting, forgetfulness, and a lack of focus. While these are part of the picture, they are merely the tip of the iceberg. Under the surface lie powerful neurological experiences that directly influence why your child might struggle to follow instructions or regulate their emotions. Understanding ADHD in its entirety means getting to know these core traits.
1. Hyperarousal: The Overwhelmed Nervous System
Imagine trying to listen to a friend in a crowded, noisy restaurant where every clatter of a plate and every snippet of conversation demands your attention equally. This is often what the world feels like for a child with ADHD. Rather than being under-stimulated, their nervous system is often in a state of hyperarousal—constantly bombarded and on high alert.
This isn't a choice; it's a neurological state where the brain’s filter is faulty. Everyday sights, sounds, and feelings flood in all at once, making it incredibly difficult to prioritise what’s important (like a parent’s voice) from what’s not (like the hum of the fridge).
What this looks like in real life:
You say, “Please go upstairs and get your red jumper.” On the way, they see a Lego piece, become instantly engrossed in it, and completely forget the mission. This isn’t laziness or ignoring you; it’s their brain latching onto the most immediate stimulus in an overwhelming environment.
Mindset shift: See your child not as disobedient, but as easily overwhelmed. The challenge isn’t to speak louder, but to help their nervous system find calm and focus.
Practical step for better listening: Before giving an important instruction, create a moment of connection. Gently place a hand on their shoulder and make eye contact. Lower your voice to a calm, almost whisper-like tone. This paradoxical quietness can often cut through the neurological noise more effectively than raising your voice ever could. This is one of the most crucial parenting tips for better listening—work with their neurology, not against it.
2. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): The Emotional Earthquake
If you’ve ever witnessed your child crumble over what seems like a minor criticism or a small failure, you’ve likely encountered Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). This is arguably one of the most painful aspects of ADHD, yet it remains one of the most overlooked. RSD is an extreme emotional sensitivity to perceived rejection, criticism, or failure.
It’s not just “being sensitive.” It’s a visceral, overwhelming reaction that can feel like an emotional earthquake for the child. The pain is acute and real, and their reaction is often instantaneous and intense. For parents, it can be baffling and heartbreaking to see.
What this looks like in real life:
You gently say, “Sweetie, you missed a spot when wiping the table.” Instead of simply going back to clean it, your child has a massive meltdown, crying, “I’m terrible at everything! I can’t do anything right!” They are reacting not to the instruction, but to the crushing feeling of having failed and disappointed you.
Mindset shift: Recognise that the explosion is not manipulation. It is a genuine, neurological response to intense emotional pain. Your child isn't giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time.
Practical step for emotional regulation: Focus on framing feedback in terms of imperfection, not failure. Normalise mistakes. Try saying, “Oh, I miss spots all the time! Here, let’s get that last bit together.” This side-by-side, collaborative approach removes the feeling of being judged and alone. It’s one of the most effective ways to get your child to listen to feedback without triggering their RSD.
3. Executive Dysfunction: The Manager on Break
Think of your brain’s executive functions as its CEO. This CEO is responsible for planning, organising, initiating tasks, and managing time. In the ADHD brain, this CEO is often unreliable, taking unannounced breaks. This is called executive dysfunction.
This isn’t a lack of intelligence or willingness. Your child may want to clean their room or start their homework more than anything, but the mental machinery to start the task is simply offline. The steps involved feel overwhelming and impossible to sequence.
What this looks like in real life:
You tell your child, “It’s time to get ready for bed.” They agree but then remain frozen on the sofa. The command to “get ready” involves a complex series of steps: go upstairs, get pyjamas, brush teeth, use the toilet, etc. Their brain doesn’t automatically break this down, leading to a state of paralysis.
Mindset shift: Your child isn’t being lazy or stubborn. They are stuck. They need a scaffold to support their brain’s “CEO.”
Practical step for task initiation: Break down every instruction into microscopic, single steps. Instead of “Get ready for bed,” try:
“Please stand up.”
“Walk upstairs.”
“Pick up your toothbrush.”
This method of “chunking” makes tasks feel manageable and provides the external structure their brain lacks. This is a fundamental strategy in how to get children to listen and follow through without a power struggle.
Weaving It All Together: A Compassionate Approach
True understanding ADHD means seeing these three traits—hyperarousal, RSD, and executive dysfunction—as interconnected. A child stuck in executive dysfunction might be criticised for it, triggering their RSD, which sends their hyperaroused nervous system into a full-blown meltdown.
Your role as a parent is to become a calm, external regulator for their nervous system. By anticipating these triggers, you can create an environment that reduces overwhelm, minimises perceived rejection, and provides the structural support they need to succeed. Your patience and reframing of their behaviour is the greatest support you can offer.
A Journey of Patience and Connection
Understanding ADHD is a journey—one that replaces frustration with empathy and confusion with clarity. It’s about recognising that your child’s brain is wired differently, and that their struggles with listening, emotional regulation, and task completion are not a reflection of your parenting or their effort. By focusing on the hidden traits of hyperarousal, rejection sensitivity, and executive dysfunction, you can start to see your child’s behaviour through a new, more compassionate lens.
The path forward is paved with patience, small adjustments to your communication, and the powerful knowledge that you are your child’s safest harbour in a world that often feels too loud and too demanding. You are not just managing behaviours; you are nurturing a resilient and wonderful mind.
If this resonates with you, know that you don't have to navigate this journey alone. If you're feeling overwhelmed and would like personalised guidance tailored to your family's unique dynamics, I invite you to take the next step with me. 💬
Book a free, no-obligation discovery call with Bakshi Sidhu. It’s a chance for us to connect, discuss your specific challenges in a safe and confidential space, and explore how we can work together to create a more peaceful and supportive home environment for your wonderful child. 🌱
Click here to book your free call today ✨
FAQ
What are the 3 main symptoms of ADHD?
The three core symptoms of ADHD are inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.
How can I get my child to listen and follow instructions?
Get their attention first with gentle touch, keep instructions short and specific, and break tasks down into small, manageable steps.
At what age can you test for ADHD?
Children can be reliably assessed for ADHD from around age 5 onwards, though signs can often be observed earlier.
Can a child with ADHD be well behaved?
Absolutely. Children with ADHD can be very well-behaved; their challenges with focus, impulse control, and emotion are due to brain wiring, not a lack of character.
How can I help my child with ADHD without medication?
Consistent routines, clear expectations, positive reinforcement, and parenting strategies that understand their neurological needs are highly effective forms of support.
Read the latest blog here: "How to Get Kids to Listen: 7 Practical Parenting Tips"
